At the momment...

[poochyena]

(>_<) Why is life so confusing? Im pretty much in the clear with harry. Yay. One less thing to worry about. I pretty much just dumped the three melons off the side of the road and kept driving. It feels good to break free of that. I still have no answer from riley, but im not so worried about that. More worried about what will happen with Alice. And shes still dating nick so she cant really react to it either way. Its all so overwhelming. But Alice and i were supposed to have a sleep over. but she went to a concert instead. so there goes that. I have an eassy to write. I really dont want to. Im probably jst not going to. Im just not feeling so great. I dont know why. I visted the old site that got me started. It makes me sick. Its been so changed and made so stupid. It really sickenss me. Im very upset. it turned into almost a tyranny. I want to go back, but its not the same. I lost the fun of it. But thats why i want to be here. Have fun people here. So please can you all get on more? Im not going to be happy when this site dies. Ilove you all so much so stay with me. Please. And im bored as hell right now get your asses on! haha im making a New character. Shes a pokemon and she wants to be an exploration team. So that will be fun. Im going to put that in plot section so yall can join. It will be the new pokemon from the mystery dungeon games. You know, like Riolu, Vulpix, Eevee, shinx, Phanny and skitty. So yeah. Thats going up soon. It will be fun. I dont really have a picked side. I already have two neutral characters.... whats one more? scratch that three. Seth is gonna be neutral too.

[poochyena]

When im stressed i read. Its nice to just forget about everything, and be somewhere else for a while. Expirence something new. And just let it all go. I like books because you can hide in them. Movies end. But books you can take further. You can keep going with them in your minds. You can go back inside them. Sure you can watch movies again, but nothing changes. The characters are how the actors potray them. In books, you can approach characters differently everytime you read them. Pick out differnt qualities, approach them from a different view from before, under a new light. But books, i can just getaway. Its why i like rolepaying to. I get to be someone else for a while. Expierence new things for myself, without actyually doing them, but still getting the expirence. Have a whole new life unfold at the same time as my own. Hane something to look foreward to. Go through my own hardships with my character. Also to meet new people. And i dont have to deal with my real life. I can leave it, and go into a place just as rough, and tough, but a place im happier in, through good times and bad, im still happier in one world, than the real one. And i often wish i could leave my own. Though wishing gets you no where, its all we have left, isnt it?

[poochyena]

OKay i read my post from last night and i was a nutjob. I get all phsycological when im tired. Really its pretty intresting. Any way, I really like the song "Somebodey that i used to know" Cause It relates to me. Some songs relate to me and how i feel, but none really ever hit the nail on the head like this one did. Its more im over you, but i im sad we still cant be friends. And people who have followed my journal will know how much this does fit. But i also Realized that i am not very pretty. Val, who i know in real life can testify to this, and so can sam and night, who have seen my face book pic. I really am not. I shrank, so im 5'2" now. Im sort, i wont grow anymore, im always just the friend. The all the boys run to for comfort and never see as anything more than just that friend. And i can see why now. Im harsh, im not pretty, and im a loner. At least it makes sense now. And even though im a tomboy, i reall like floweres. They facinate me. Its usually true for even the most roughest tomboys like me, flowers are just peaceful. But it looks like i wont be getting any this year, just like all those years before. (Our school does this thing where you buy flowers and have them delivered to other people.) So i guess im still staying lonley. it wouldnt really matter any way. Its hard to fond someone who would think im pretty, and not be all mushy, cause thats not who i am. And though im perfectly happy being alone, sometimes i just wish i had a connection with someone.

[poochyena]

Do you know how freaking hard it is to go valintines day shopping for a boy? Dear god, me and alice spent a half hour in walmart looking for a gift for nick. We ended up getting him this HUGE card and taped a bunch of candy to it. Then we went to band. It was fun, me and alice always have a good time. You see, she just got her lisence a month ago, and now we go everywhere. you see, as ive said before, all my friends are older than me. Alice is 17, im 15, but that doesnt matter. There is no boundry between us from age. Zip. And im glad its that way with all my older friends. But she talked to Riley last night about prom. Thank goodness she wasnt mad at me for asking him. Well, they aparently talked about why Riley said no to Alice. He had already told, so i was able to help alice understand better. But he is completly unsure about me. 100 percent maybe. Cause he knows i can have fun, and enjoy myself. But hes worried if hell hurt my feelings by saying no, or if he'll get a girlfriend in that span of time. I told alice to tell him i wont be offened or upset if he says no. Cause i really wont, you all know im chill about stuff like that. But then she said no its not that he really is completley unsure. So that is kinda inresting.

[poochyena]

So riley was sick yesterday, and missed band. But he was texting me all day. from about 3:30 till midnight. Now we had Ipe (Indoor performance ensemble) and he couldnt come, but he was texting me stil, and he decided wed go to prom so i guess thats cool. So today was just pretty normal. But when i got home, i saw my mom, who was on vacation for a week. When i told her about me and riley, she sounded mad. Like i shouldnt go cause i asked him, and that she wouldnt let me cause she thinks Riley doesnt really want to go with me. Its not like i wanted her to be all happy, just cool with it, But her being mad about was not what i expected. Id rather just have her ignore it, i wouldnt have minded. But disaproving it was weird. But whatever. I hade percussion tonight, just taught my friend Rob how to play this warm up we learned. Me and him play bass drum and timpinani. We had to learn mallet parts, so i was helping him with his. its weird.

[poochyena]

I did it. IM over steven. completley. Finnaly. its been nine months ( Yes i know, but that does not mean what you think itmeans, really) and it feels good to finally have it out of my system. my only real concern right now is Riley, which i see us as just friends so that doesnt bother me. But i dont know, prom is such a big thing, i hope it wont change anything. That and the fact i have a small crush on Riley. Once again, nothing im concerned about. But charles pops into my head ransomly. Its hard having feelings for someone who lives so far away, that you hardly see. He really is very attractive. So of course i get something good, and it has all these restrictions. That is kinda what worries me. Weve talked about how we would try and date if we were both single when summer started again. And so far ive heard nothing from him about anybody else, so i feel kinda guilty about going with Riley to prom. But then again, im not commited to anything. I offered to go long distance but he refused. And i get that. But since im not commited to anything, i dont have to feel guilty for anything that i do. Im completley free. So im trying not to feel guilty, cause Charles really is Mr. Perfect, but Riley is so much more down to earth, and wise, and easier to talk to, he reminds of myself. Im Down to earth, Agressive, i will admit this about my self, but im a calm agressive. Like i stay calm, but have an edge, ya know? But im still agreesive. But im not angry or all about fighting. Those two things are very different agressive when is basic especially when linked to down to earth. I like to think og it like a wolf. They have agression, but they are calm creatures, thier agression comes immediatley in defense always, and gives them a bad name and often cause bad things to happen to them. I can relate to that alot. And Riley is not agressive at all. Hes just so easy going, more like a lake, which never floods or becomes un balanced. I like that. I feel hes just simmaler enough and just different enough to that makes us such good friends. But charles, mr.perfect, Is so much more regal, and definetley predictable teenage boy. Riley is to, but he knows boundries and limits, and knows how to control and pace himself. I dont think Charles can do that. You can tell that by how they act in normally daily situations, if any of you have wondered how i came to all that knowledge. But now i really need your opnion and Help. If something happens with me and Riley, and im given an oppritunity to have something more with him, should i go for it? Or just wait for Charles? Im posting this question in the members advice section so you guys can post there. Ill have links back and forth too. (Link to member advice thread)

[poochyena]

holy.... so this week is not something i want to repeat. Not that it was bad, just really awkward. Me Riley and Alice had this crazy love circle. by the end of the week i thought screw it, and told riley were on a friend level a thousand times because alot of things were being misconstrued. And Im NOT getting into details. Its ridiculous. And mr perfect can go die in a ditch or something. Im back to being all anti relationship. i usually am, other than when idiots send me mixed signals, then say there werent, they say they were, but that I misenterpreted wrong, or that my friend did but it was still my fault anyway, and when i step out, im still in vloved. (THat was pretty much everything that happened with me riley and alice this week, in a nut shell.) And i was thinking the other day, about howi deal with my life. Actually how i deal with relationships and boys. Because i work in a tourist town and during the summer, boys visiting just love to see what girls work in thte area. So this is kinda a little antidote about how i would act in this kind of situation. (Meaning all the girl answers are how i would answer them) And what alot of Crappy guys think. Cause trust me, Good guys dont think that way. They are awesome. Anyway, here we go. Boy: So you usually work late? Girl: Yeah. Boy: That's stupid. (Expecting her to agree) Girl: No, its actually cool. Boy: (A little confused) Where do you work? (Expecting her to say a fasgion store) Girl: A toy store. Boy: Oh. Whats your favoritie animal? (Expecting something cute) Girl: Wolves Boy: (Afraid to ask why) Whats your favorite color? Girl: Well, any shades acutally. Shades of black, white, and grey. Boy: (Thouroghly confused, but starting to understand the kind of girl she is) You play a sport? Girl: Marching band. And karate, but thats an art. Boy: (Somewhat let down) Any hobbies? Girl: Im in theater. Boy: (Looking at some hope) What do you do? (Excpecting either sing, dance, or act) Girl: Im a stage hand. i move the sets on and off stage. Im a tom boy by the way, if you haven't got that. Boy: (Frustrated) Al i wanted is some preppy hot chick to get with one night before i leave! Your ridiculous. Girl: (Chuckleing) Well theres plenty of them around here. You just happened to ask the wrong one. Try that surf shop over there. (Walks away) Boy: ..... (Just goes home thinking about how horribly he failed) Girl: (Talking to her self) Hes right, im ridiculous. No one would like me. Thats why when someone tells me they really like me for who i am, ill know they're not lying. Yay little antidote for yeah. Now this next one actually happened. Its funny. Its a text convo i had with my friend martin a year ago. We are no longer friends. Shades: brb Martin: ok (Ten minutes later) Shades: Back. Martin: Could you have been any longer? Shades: What? I was takinga dump. Martin: ..... I didn't know girls took dumps. Shades: Girls dont, Shadesey, however, does. PS: Im starting a story thread that has nothing to do with pokemon. Its a book ive wanted to write, but never got around to. each post will be another chapter. Plus its free entertainment for you guys if its crappy.

[poochyena]

SO the play was this week. I was one spot light. Our high school did "HOw to succed in buisness without really trying" Go figure, Riley was in it. And in case i didnt say this before, me and riley dont have anytihng, strict friend level. and things with him and alice are....... weird. she broke up with nick for him, but what ever, not my problem. mY problem however, is that i like thus person, Pete. He was in the starts, and he goes to my school. Were good friends, i asked him out, he said okay, but hen alice told everyone, he felt weird, so hes told me never mind. so whatever, little mad at him. and the fact that i was surprised today. guess who showed up t our musicl? charles. I didnt know he was here till colin told me. So thats one thing he could have told me. Then acting all im going to try and get as close to you as possible but not doing anytihng cause were in public just move really close to you kinda of thing. That was during intermisson. then he just leaves right after the shows over. he looked right et me to as he walked out the door. he didnt even say hi to anyone. but then i went and talked to pete, and suddenly we started arguing, cause we are political oppistes, as we figured out the other day. The n we got really close together, our faces litteraly an inch apart, but we were yelling, just kind saying yyes and no really quietly to each other and stepping a little bit clooser. It seems like we both realized how close our faces were getting and how fast, and that we werent really arguing, and proably both thinking the other is advancing, and how awkward this is for the other person. To be honest i backed up first. At the time i thought great, he was going to kiss me i just blew it, (rember this is all happening wiht pete) and then i though maybe not, and its more likley not,but i cant help but wonder even though i know it wasnt. Also, another, tru, quick antidote from my life that actually happend, in september. I m asking Val and PepsiCola (who know me irl) to never mention this to anyone, not even bring it up with me ever, cause this is something im not wanting anyone to know. Well, in september, me and my friend rob (rember all names i use are fake) were walking down the street at 10 at night and we were fooling around, pretending to hitch hike. no one slowed down, but he finnaly got one car to strt slowing down, and we were inbetween streetlights, and as the car came to a street light about three away from us, i saw the bright white word "POLICE" on the side, we realized at the same time, but said "shait" and started booking. We hear the sirens go on and see the lights go on out the corner of our eyes. We jmp up this hiil by the side walk and book by the bushes and slide down the hill into somesone yard, which was on a corner of two streets. after that, we saw the cop head up the corner street trying to cut us offon the other side, so me and Rob ran across the street we had been walking along instead, and as we did, we saw ANOTHER police car with lights on at the traffic light headed in out direction. It could have been for us, or something else, but we didnt care, we just freaked out more, and ran behind a bunch of buldings and houses on this side street (we live in an old victorian town) and on the side street behind us we saw yet another policae car, so we ran down the street we were one, realized it was a dead end, turned adn ran back across the street behind a building and as we were dashing through the bushes we realized that the building was the bank, flipped, and ran to the library where my dad was waiting for us, since we had planned to meet there earlier. He goes "Why you out of breath" then before either of us could answer he says "oh you were racing right" Us, half hearted nods. this is true. Never speak of it to anyone.

[shades]

Oh hell.... poockyena was my old account. im back again, stil shades. ALOT HAS HAPPENED. So spring break............. alice hooked up with riley. riley later hooks up with other chichk. Meanwhile alice still dating nick. Alice other chick find out. Anger. Forgivness. Everything okay for ahwhile........... then alice completley ends her 3 yearrelation ship for riley, riley denioes her, she gets back with nick. Ok so riley and alice got back and forth every 2 days hating each other and being friends. Then riley and other chick had....... mature over night time...... (well call it the thingy thing from now on) and so alice got pissed, told people in anger, and riley and alice just stopped being frineds permenantly. So now im friends with both but............ alice really loves riley stilil. But shes dating nick. But she really oves riley, and is pissed at him at the same time. Riley just comletley pretends alice is non exsistent. and he likes me. Alot. I like him. Alot. What do we do> no freaking clue. Cause ill feel guilty for alice, but shes got a boyfriend so it shouldnt matter..... but me and riley. Getting mad close. Riley slept over my house. Nothing happened. I was glad about that. THen he came over for dinner one. We watched a movie. Played footsies. Kinda started to realize feelings were building again. The we went to a play last night.......... we held hands the whole time. why is this so confusing?

[shades]

So me and riley. we went to a movie. Lets lay out a little update. Riley and Alice off and on hating each other. Me and riley off an on wanting date. So at a movie..... we kinda held hands. We were on at the moment, and he kinda panicked. He does that alot. But yeah. im really confused. he does have alot gong on, but i want to be there for him. i sound winey. ill get over it. i tend to force myself to do that. really i dont cry anymore. and i dont let myself get upset. Its not healthy, but it works for me. i just dont get upset anymore. Cause i know the worse can happen. And i should save the saddenss for when its reallly nessacary. and even then i hold back so i can handle the situation. An endless cycle i quite enjoy.

[shades]

So people.... it still makes no sense. whatever. im at a kinda see where it goes thing. i mean thtats the last solid thing between me and riley. so i guess we are there.. but whatever. we are friends in my head. so yeah. and is there anyway anyone knows how to connect my old account to my new one? it bothers me that they are different.

[shades]

Riley suddenly just stopped talking to me 10 days ago. then i talked to this girl, and she goes, guess who just started talking to me a couple nights ago? (this is only a few nights after Riley went poof) and i shrugged and she happily says riley and in my head its: Ooooooooooooh that makes sense now. So ouch, and whatever. Its easy to get over someone when you know they like someone else cause then there's no hope you can be with them, and you know it. So then you kinda bounce back. It hurt no doubt, but whatever. I dont care. I just suck it up, as always.