At the momment...

[poochyena]

I almost died. You know how you have bad days, and you can't do anything right? well, i had one of those days and when we were playing i fudged up one note. Got kicked out of wind ensemble. Yeah Colin was looking at our director completley pissed. He knew i wasnt playing so well, and he heard me play it perfectley the day before. He was so mad, and i was upset. I hate school. I only go for band. I played fine the next day to. And so i went to the director. Said i was right, that ONE TIME shouldn't get me out. Told him he was GOING to here me play, right now! and he blinked, listened, and put me back in. I knew i was able to. And i told him he wasn't kicking me out since i had more dedication then anyone else. Cause i gave up taking japanesse classes, gave up karate, and gave up so many other things. So im back in band, and in a pissed off mood. No one messes with me and band.

[poochyena]

oh my life. Wendsday after school i went to mocktrial. Then i went to marching band practice. Then a parade. Went home, went to bed. Got up, went to mock trial all day. Got home. went to bed. went to school the next day. Somewhere in there i completed two days of home work and a day of classwork. VERY TIRING. Last night my friend, i think ive beencalling her Alice in the blog, came over for ourtraditional sleep over. And other than the busy days, its been a normal week. And Alice is trying to set me up with harry. Ive been alone with him in a room akwardly sitting there three times. Its not gonna happen. I like my single life. Oh and there is another person... during the summer (i live in a tourist town) i met a nice guy. And we got close. and lets see hes Charlie, and i was talking to him today. And he asked if i liked harry. I told him i did when i first met him, but now i didn't and we were on friend terms. The convo died after that. Which worried me. I don't want Charles to have feelings for me. I enjoy my single life where i dont have to crush on any boys. Its very enjoyable. And i had an epiphiany with alice last night. I realized that i do not still have feelings for my ex. I just miss him, and want the best for him. Like an old friend. So thats that. But besides that fact, we started talking again during band yesterday. Just some words. it made smile inside my head. I thanked his and alice's friend, Riley, for that. Riley is pretty cool, i just met him this year. We were goofing off, messing around, i was trying to teach him baritone, and we were just laughing haveing a good time in the drumcloset. Steven (My ex) came in looking for Riley, so words were exchanged between us, we all luaghed. It was enjoyable. Im very glad for Riley's exsistance. And me, alice, riley, and steven are all going trick or treating together on monday, or are going to try to. So that seems fun. But i should probably clear up ages for you. I'm 14, alice is 16, steven is 16, i think riley is 16, maybe 17. They are all juniours, i know that. So is harry, at 16, and Charles 16. So as you can see majority of friends are older. Colin who ive mentioned before is 15. soon andreew who i might have mentioned in earlier posts, will be 15. Hes in my grade though, a freshman. So all my friends are older, except andrew. Everyone else who is my age are just people that are there. Infact, i can count all my true friends on one hand. And thats only one person, who i have not mentioned here yet. Try that. Count all your true friends. Theres people, people you know. people you call friends, and real friends. Thenthere are best friends(often a small to non exsistent category) and real true absolute friends. so yeah. Im glad i have this site. I like to escape once in ahwhile. And hawkeye, plus anyone else who reads this regularly, thank you. I really appriciate people just hearing me out. You guys are family.

[poochyena]

I figured out how to type stuff for the site without getting the proboards app. Copy and paste things into email. Then I can reply, and when I get home and paste it on the site from my email. So yay. And this is going on my blog. I'm at tech club now. Wooooooo. So now its about 10:00 where I am, on the east coast. I've been running the spot light all night. Ombre, a friend I consider my son, needs advice. Hes such a good kid, i really am upset he's turning into me. I've always been such a loner. I still am. I mean i have people, but i still am always kind of dumped alone. but im absolutley fine with that. But i don't want him to be stuck like that. he really is like my son, i feel like i have to look out for him. I really don't want him to be alone. any way, now I'm sitting in bed and my heart is raceing. For the first time almost six months, I'm having a full conversation with my ex. It doesn't matter if I'm over him or not, After so long, my heart is racing. It feels good to actually talk to him again. I've missed his sick, gross, inapropriate humour and his bravery to stick up for me not matter what, and make me laugh. But things are still changing. one of his close friends wants to learn baritone. ive been teaching him in the drum closet everyday, and, very faintly, i think, i might be starting, just hardly, to start having a baby crush on him. So that could set the wind around my life up to hurricane force. or it could stir up a nice sea breeze. Either way im trying to supress my feelings. maybe it will blow over. well good night all.

[poochyena]

Ok so the play had its closing night tonight. Or last night. its already 1:30 in the morning. Jeez its tommorow already. Ive been running the spot light for a midsummer nights dream since thursday. And that room gets HOT. the two spot lights make that place 120 degrees. its absoltley ridiculous. But doing the spot was my job. Our high school did a mdsummer nights dream. I was never one for being on stage. Im a bacak stage person, behind the seens. always have been. So thats what my life has been the past week. Im so tired right now, but im trying to finish all my homework for monday now. Just incase i want to do something tomorrow night. Maybe an early movie. So im trying to get it all down now. Anyway, the weirdest thing happened today. An online friend from a site i used to be on just so happened to live near me. We thoughy it was cool. And for the first time tonight, we met. It was just mindblowing, and actually cool. Completley accidental. I knew what his name was and he knew mine, since the friend he told about the site told me about it, we found out as we investigated how we never knew we lived near each other. anyway, that was a year ago, and this past week he was at the play since his sister was in it. Well, that first night we met and another friendd intro duced us. I imediattley felt i knew him somehow. weird how you can get that feeling from online conversations. Anyway, we seemed to have some odd tention. The next night i kept passing him, and he kept passing me, and we just looked at each other weird. Like, i know that person. Niether one of us said anything. Then the maittenie was just kind of one look saying yeah i haven't forgotten theres something about you thats familliar. Then tonight iwas talking to people, and he was kind of there, and he said at nearly the sime time as i did that he felt i was really familiar. It was then i started having my suspisions that he might be the kid from the site. We talked a bit more about our weird feelings, and exchanged names. then we pretty much both knew but were afraid to say it out loud. I mentioned an inside joke from the site i had with the online friend, and he confirmed. Then we just laughed and looked down. And each time we looked up again we laughed in shock. It was really cool. I always thought meeting an online friend was really stupid. But that was a total acident and it just happened so there was no danger. It was just cool. We talked a little bit, glad to finnaly meet you in person, some more shocked laughter, and an exchange of numbers. It was funny. So yeah, that was deffinetley the coolest thing. I'll probably talking him to him more. who knows. Thats my life at the momment.

[poochyena]

I need to tell yo guys something. Way back in april, one of my friends threatened suicide. He was at a sleep over eith another friend. The second friend called me on my band trip panic striken. I answered and ran to the top deck( we were on a dinner cruise) and heard the one kid explain what was going on in hysteria. I told him to put the phone on speaker phone and on the floor, and to push it to our other friend. And i talked him out of it. It was the scariest thing that ever happened to me. But i saved his life. Now of course later he betrays me, but still. It was important. And im telling you this now, I've BEEN THERE. I KNOW what it feels like. I almost did to. I dont feel comfortable going any further than that, but it was very likley that i wouldn't be here right now. I know it happens. And guys, if you ever feel that why, GET YOUR BUTTS ON THIS SITE AND TELL SOMEONE. You'll probably never meet me ever in your life, so why would it hurt to tell me? And im not bias. So I CAN hlep. Pleas eim begging you guys. Were like family. You can tell me, or any one else, anything. We wont tell. Now i may not be on the site, but email me ASAP. That i can get on the go to my phone. So really, i know what its like. Its not fun. So if you need help or are in a jam, im here. i just dont want any one alonein the situation like i was, cuase its a miracle i made it out. PLease jst let me help you if you need it.

~Shades

[poochyena]

Well my feelings for riley have blown over. Thank goodness. BUt part of that was my ex talking to me more since he thought i like riley. And im tired of caling him my ex. Hes steven. SO me and him have been talking alot more, and, well i think my feelings are coming back. I'll tell you know what i wouldn't give to have a second chance. Just one. If he asked me out, even though i know i should say no, and everyone else knows to, even him, i wouldn't be able to help but say yes. Just because i miss him, and i want to make it up to. But if we just stay friends i'm absolutley fine with that. that's just as good. Whever things go for me and him they way about the same. Oh and shades sturned into a crazy psycho bitch the other day. My friend Andrew, (who many belive the me and Andrew are soul mates) got a girl friend. And i took it a little roughly. Very roughly. i kinda had a brain misfire and started making threats and went on a rampage. But im better now and apologized, but reialized im not close with andrew anymore. Which sucks ass. So now im chilling in the singles club with steven and Riley who are both tying to get girlfriends, which means ill be alone son. But the singles club is fun. Just not when your by yourself. Jeez i have to many older friends. a friend from karate is 18, a senior in high school. hes the Afro ninja. We'll call him mark. Valmorgon is that other friend i just met in real life a little bit ago. But we've been friends through internet a while and through our friends. Hes a freshman in collage. So yeah i have no one my age. (Andrew is to busy with his girl friend all the time) and yeah. So shades is being her lonley self again. And missing Steven. But things will get better. I just, it gets confusing. All you guys (Except dragon) better start making your mistakes now. In seventh and eigth grade you make the mistakes and be forgiven. Get into highschool and your screwed. it sticks with you for a long time. I've already been pretty well established as having an edge to me. Not a cocky one, but one you keep mind of. Yay older friends. Really though, make mistakes now if you must, cause you don't want to in highschool.

[poochyena]

On thurdsy night i slept over Alice's house. I realized the no matter how much i love all my guy friends, or how contempt iam with being lonley, having a close girlfriend, well its just perfect. Iv'e never really had someone that close to me before. I mean i have guy friends, and i can usually handle things myslef, but having someone whos just like you in almost everyway, it helps. Really. Adapting to highschool is hard enough, so having a friend to help is great. im glad for it. You know, things have been really been changeing for me. im not used to boys liking me. m not used to likeing them. i just dont belive boys can be acracted to me. Im not pretty. the tall thin and long blonde hair, uh, no. im 5'4", under weight yes, but i have mussle so i geuss i look about average weight. long hair, well no. Im a brunette, and i keep my hair cut short. Usually a boyish look to it. And personality wise, well, my closest friend says its amazing, and andrew agreed, but, most reply if any one can get by the biting your head off thing, or the sharp edge i always have, they might be okay. its true i do have an edge. Its not an attitude or anything, im just vfery hard to get used to. i get deffensive quick, but i usualy dont get really mad. I guess what i mean by an edge, is that im not exactly the most kind person on earth. Im very individual, and i do my own thing. so i guess its just me not following the average. and when im in a bad mood, which is rare latley, most dont bother staying within 20 feet of me, even if i wont do anything. im just sharp. So, i really dont see why a boy would like me. its just confusing

[poochyena]

WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE im a prety color! hehe i like it. its better than red! hahahahahahaha im in such a happy mood right now. DOnt know why. Im also being the biggest procrastinator ever! i have two essays due monday, but i dont feel like doing them. But still. Im here. HAHAHAHAHA wow im over hyper. So anyway, lifes been good. The lock in was awsome. Teens in the library all night woot woot. so awsome. watched one pice, kicked ass at magic, oh yeah! lovein it! haha week was pretty good. Was in the talent show doing karate. Took down the kid i was working with. AHAHHAHAHAHA im really hyped. Its been hard for me to be in a bad mood latley. And i havent been able to get mad at people latley. i start to look at their point of view and i dont get mad. Its awsome. So not mch at the momment. GOing to the opera tommorow. And really feel free to post here. I dont mind really. I like seeing peoples comments and opinions. Its an open journal.

[poochyena]

So my life has been full of me being exasperated. So riley found out i may have liked him. And i told that before i wasnt sure and now i didnt. But apparantley he thinks i do, and feels its akward, and has been avoiding me. But i dont think its akward at all. So now hes avoiding me for no reason. Stupid. And Steven is still akward around me, and blah. Any way about to go to an opera by

[poochyena]

I'm watching the Macy's thanksgiving day parade, and i founf myself critiquing the marchin bands. I mean the marching band of america sucked cause all these different kids had different styles of marching. I saw knee marches, straight leg marchers, roll feet marcheres, and walk marches. It just looked weird mashed togather. Lines weren't to good. They weren't usedd to each other. It was........... blah. The next one from california all one school was good. The had nice lines, knew what they were doing, marched the same way, it was nice. Then i realized how geeky i was and laughed. I am a band geek. but i love it. im just a born band kid. Always been that way. I'm going to try to make a living off it. But im still going to be here my whole life. Love you guys. ANd yeah. Band geek. Stuff has been ok. Me nad steven are weird still. Me and riley are rolling over the weirdness right now. Its been ok. BUt band drama makes alot of people want to kill each other. it sucks. But were handling it. Ok anomther marching band. Looks like they just have nerves. So theres a couple liittle quirks, nothing bad. Ah here i go again. Well im tired, sorta, and i dont knwo. Life is just weird. I wasnt at school yesterday, but emailed teachers. SO blah. BOred again, not sure, and sam if your reading this, im gonna wait for night to post after you so we can out him in. if he gets accepted soon. just stuff on my mind.

[poochyena]

Damn. Life is a hell bucket. I never get a break anymore, infact i have a concert in an hour! The whole thing with steven got worse to... He told Alice that i was annoying, that he thought i was obsessing over him and Riley. Which im not. I just feel like he thinks that cause we had dated before, and that causes akwardness. Thankfully, Riley doesnt agree with him at all. He's cool about. And im glad about that. But still. Im trying to get back on his good side. AND OH DEAR ARCEUS CHARLIE. (Charlie was the summer friend) He came down for thanksgiving break. Stuff happened.... and now i have ANOTHER thing to worry about. I know what is between us, but i have no freaking clue how to put it in words. I just wish it wasnt there. I'm done having leftover relation ship crap in myhands. I dont need. So Steven can suck my hypothetical balls if he's unhappy with me being around, and Charlie can just stay away from new jersey and me. That'd be lovely. And oh yeah, RILEY FREAKING LIKES ME. I know he'd never date me, it'd be too weird for both of us cause i'm about the age of his sister, but its just crazy. I dont need that. I just pray that i don't develop feelings for him. I currently dont have any for anyone, but if some start forming any time soon, i know they'll be for him. I wouldnt be as worried, but since i already know he feels for me, i really dont want to devlop anything for him. So yeah trying to not give in to emotion. Gotta be tough! (Geez im so anti girly)

[poochyena]

OK i did something reall difficult today. I had to choose between band an mock trial. Ive been weighing the options for two weeks. And i decided today. It wasn't a walk in the park, but i'm glad i got it over with. I really love band. Its my enitre life. no point giving it up now. Its just... ugh. Im just glad i chose band. Thats all i can say. So life is still confusing. And im really mad at myself. Arceus im so in love with steven! I want to get over him BAD, and everytime i think i do, something happens that makes me want him back. I just can't help it. I know theres only one solution Alice is right, have to try dating someone else. And i haven't done that. And I don't think i will. But i still just want all this garbadge out of my life. Oh and check out that awkward momment when... cause im about to make a very intresting post. That pretty much blew up in my face.

[poochyena]

So this week was the 2nd worst week of my life. There are only three reasons why i made it through. the site, a book, and val. He helped my alot, even if he didnt know it. Any way yeah. Life sucks. Well, last night i had a handful of people over, harry, Logan (Boy), pete, so it was pretty good. Alice And Nick even stopped by, so it was nice. I liked Nick's gift the best. It was just a card, but it was funny. So yeah. Small. Only got two gifts from friends, but i didnt care. It was still nice. We just hung out. So yeah.

[poochyena]

My life. I dont even want to get into anything that happened in the past month. I can tell you that i told Riley i still liked steven. He got back to me, steven doesnt like me at all, but steven doesnt even talk to me. It makes me feel like were not friends. That makes me sad. And riley needs help taking someone to prom, but we always run out of Ideas. And magi? Night? Rember Andrew? Were getting close. Again. He broke up with his girlfriend, and, go figure, came crying to me. We talk every night. Just like old times. But i love how we dont talk all summer, he gets a girlfriend, they break up, and we statr talking. Suspicous. Its just weird. I feel we should talk reguardless. But we dont, but weve had the whole month solid communication. And we have odd feelings for each other, but we dont acknowlegde them? Its weird. I think were just on an EXTREMLEY close friend level. That and the fact all attraction i had towards charles died, i still cant forget Steven, and now things are building toward harry, i think? Its ridiculous. I have three people to dela with. Charles, harry, and steven. I call them my three watermelons. (Long story, not getting into it) But yes. The water melons. Steven is water melon one, harry is two, and charles three. Now you know if a refer to plant or meleon whatever number. Its those three. It sucks. Right now 3 is out of the picture. 1 possibly hates me. and2 is bouncing on this weird aquantince level, like it was close, then not, then weird, and aquantince. Its confusing. ON another note, trial started, mock trial made it out of countys on to reginals, and percussion ensemble (All percussion instruments, i play timpani) went out. 65.2, we got about the average score that day. Right where we should be. Well among the crazineess, i really hope people are reading this and pm me questions and stuff and ask them in the cbox and what not cause i feel like no one reads this. (>_<)

[poochyena]

So all my junoir friends are freaking about prom, so i just tell them to suck it up and ask. But what ever. They never really listen. But i was talking to Riley about it, and he was kinda down. He'd asked alot of people and they all said no. And Alice asked him THREE times and he said no all three times. And that upsets her cause shes crushing on him. Yes she has a boyfriend, but you can still crush on people. Cant control your hormones. But i talked to Riley about it, and he said he wanted to someone he liked to prom, not just a friend. So thats why he wont take alice, cause he dont like her like that, and its why he wont ask any of his regular friends. He wants to go with someone he likes. Thats why our convo last night kinda shocked me. Riley: No one wants to go to prom with me. Shades: At least you get to go. Riley: Why dont you ask someone? Shades: I cant someone has to ask me ask me cause im a freshman. Riley: Well ask one of your older friends. Shades: What, ask "Can you take me to prom?" thats weird. Riley: Well not that exactly, but something like that. Shades: No thats awkward. Riley: DO IT! Shades: Fine. Ill ask ONE person. Riley: haha good. Who? Shades: Will you go to prom with me? Riley: Why me? Shades: I figure it solves both our problem. Riley: Idk Shades: Thats not an answer. Riley: :P Shades: Haha come on answer! Riley: Haha give me a day or two :P SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO i wonder whats gonna happen. I hope we just go as friends, or not at all. But im worried cause i only remeberd this morning alice REALLY wants to go with him. So i feel guilty. Now what?